Sha'arei Shalom Synagogue

A word to end on...

It's become something of a tradition in Sha'arei Shalom for Rabbi Zalud or Chairman Eric Cohen to end the Sabbath morning Shacharit Service with a "Galecta" - a Yiddishe funny story - to send the congregation on their way with a smile.

Here are a few examples:-

Given the Bird.

Widower Cohen was lonely so he thought he'd get himself a pet.          

There was an old Chassid who ran a pet shop in town so Cohen called in...

"Try a parrot," suggested the salesman, "that way you'll have someone to talk to you, too."

"OK," says Cohen. "What parrots have you got?"

"We have 3 in stock at present. This one's a beautiful white cockatoo, but it costs £10,000."

"That's a lot of money for a bird!" says Cohen. "Yes, it is," says the salesman, "but this bird can recite all of the Five Books of Moses from memory."

"Nu, what else do you have?"  "The green African Parrott is £20,000, but he can recite the five books of Moses, and also the Talmud with the commentaries and discuss them with you, too!"

"Oy! a very clever parrot, but a lot of money! How much is the drab grey bird at the end?" asks Cohen.

"Oh!" says the salesman, "that one is £50,000!"

"Oy Vey! What does that one do?"

"We don't know, but we call him the Rabbi!"

Tsuris.

Three members of the ladies guild met for lunch:

"Oi, Oi, have I had a week!" the first cried... "On Monday my daughter's husband of 12 years, the father of my three grandchildren announces he's leaving her - another woman he's got!"

"You think you got problems?" exclaimed the second lady... My son has left his wife to set up home...  with the man next door!"

"That's nothing!" declared the third. "...this week I've lost my cleaner!"

Get Knotted.

Rabbi Zalud is known for his sartorial elegance and I was admiring his necktie.

"Yes, it's new," he told me, "but I'm going to have to take it back to the shop. It's far too tight!"

True Story

Chairman Eric's cat, Muffin, is getting on in years and is no longer in the peak of health. In fact, he's been on a special diet prescribed by the vet for some time.

Recently Eric noticed that stocks of the cat's special food were running low and asked his wife to arrange with the vet for new supplies.

Maureen rang the number and asked: "Have you got Muffin's special diet in please?" The lady on the other end of the phone replied: "No, I don't think we have, but we could probably order it for you. Who's in it?"

Maureen had phoned the local video rental shop.

Memories...

The Jewish couple were getting on in years and his memory wasn't what it had been. They had friends round and the men were playing cards whilst the ladies were in the kitchen having a yachne.

He was telling his friends what a fabulous holiday they'd just had in Florida and what a marvellous "Condo" they'd stayed in. "What was it called?" they wanted to know.

Memory failed him. He headed to the kitchen to consult his wife:

"What are those flowers called?" he asked.

"What flowers?" she wanted to know.

"The ones the Goyim have..."

"I don't know... Daffodils? Tulips? Violets?"

"No! No! The ones they have at weddings.."

"What? Carnations? Roses? Jasmine?"

"No! No! The white ones. They have them at funerals too."

"Oh, lilies?"

"That's it! - Lily, what was the name of that condominium we went to in Florida???"

Prayer for Today

Dear Lord,

So far today I'm doing alright. I haven't gossiped, lost my temper, been greedy, grumpy, nasty, selfish or self indulgent. I haven't whined, moaned, complained or cursed. I haven't eaten anything fattening or charged anything to my credit card.

However, I'm going to get out of bed now and I think that soon I may need your help.

Yiddisher Momma

How many Jewish Mothers does it take to change a light bulb?

None... "Don't worry about me! I'll just sit here in the dark!"

Attributed to Rabbi Harold Kushner

"Rabbi, if I give up drinking, partying all night, chasing the opposite sex and over eating, and start coming to Synagogue regularly instead, will I live longer?"

"No. It will just feel longer."

Mistaken Identity

The old Rebbe had been a faithful Jew and a pious man all of his life. He'd dedicated himself to the service of the Almighty until now when he was well into his old age. But he'd never seen much fortune. He remained poor, dressed in the hand me downs he received from the shul welfare officer, ate frugally, lived a lowly existence. However, he gloried in his love for the Almighty.

Occasionally, he'd think it might be nice to taste a slightly better material life, but the thought never lasted long. He mentioned it when he spoke to his Maker in prayer, but never so much that you could call it a complaint.

Then his mazel changed. He was left what to him was a fortune in the will a congregant who had taken pity on him. He rejoiced in the money and took himself to the city where he indulged in a hearty meal at the best Kosher restaurant. He went to the frummer men's outfitters and bought himself a new suit, new hat, best gabardine coat. "Shall I wrap them for you?" asked the assistant.  "No, I'll wear them," he answered.

Resplendent in his finery, he walked out of the shop, across the road and was run over by a passing wagon and killed!

When he appeared before his maker he demanded to know why he hadn't been allowed to enjoy just a few days of his new found fortune.

"Oi! How sorry I am," replied the Almighty,  "You looked so oyskiputz! I didn't recognize you!"

Bubbe Meiser

The little girl was lost in the best department store in town. Her grandmother had taken her shopping and they'd become separated.

A store assistant comforted the child and asked her name.

"Bubbele, Chuckele, Honey Cake, Sweetums" replied the child . That was the only name the child would offer despite several staff quizzing her.

An announcement was made over the store's Public Address System: "Will the grandmother of Bubbele, Chuckele, Honey Cake, Sweetums please come to the Customer Services Desk?"

Twelve Jewish ladies turned up.

Life & Death

Death Row at Chelm Prison. Leibowinsky is for the electric chair.

The Prisoner is strapped into place. Appropriate prayers are recited. The Governor nods and the switch is pulled.

Phizzzz! Phtwp! Then nothing! Leibowinsky is still alive!

The circuit is reset and the Governor nods again. Once more the switch is pulled.

Phizzlzlz! Phtwarrrrp! Still nothing! Leibowinsky is still alive!

Warder Plotski is despatched to bring Cohen the prison odd job man/electrician.

Cohen examines the switch and finds nothing amiss. He traces the wiring to the base of the chair. Nothing amiss.

He crouches and squeezes his head in under the chair and quickly emerges to report to the Governor: "I'm certainly not going under there. It's a death trap!"